DMills Prop Bets

Everyone loves a little gambling in their life but today we're going to start gambling ON someone's life..

What could be more fun than having action on Mills' daily functions.. exactly..  nothing.

Caloric intake on a Friday: 6,000

Over  -350

Under  +200

Vegetables vs. Bacon Egg and Cheeses in 2009

Bacon Egg and Cheese -46

Vegetables +46

Total Condoms used with girls in 2009: 2

Over  +100

Under  -150

Will he be able to get a boner sober

Yes  +300

No  -140

Will he be able to get a boner drunk

Yes  +7,000,000

No  -45,000,000

Will he just give up and turn gay with his 3rd roomate by September

Yes  -700

No  +350

GOW

Yumm....

SCANDAL - DMill Caught Cheating - ERosen Breaks Off Engagement

The couple that we have come to know as "DeLissa" is no more. On Thursday night David was caught out on a movie date with fellow Bergen County member Eric Horowitz. The pair were spotted at the Kips Bay movie theater seeing an exclusive showing of The Pink Panther 2 (it wasn't really exclusive, but they were the only two in the audience). Delissa was supposed to have dinner together at Euro Diner. When he never showed, Ms. Rosen followed the scent of the chocolate covered bacon popcorn and caught DMills redhanded. The two have now split. Luckily for Mr. Miller the Rihanna-Chris Brown spat has pushed this news to the back burner.

MILLS' GOW (Girl of the Week)

Mills Falls in Love...

..insists new love must wear Bacon Bra during foreplay.

Disappointed Dave Finishes 7th in Local Chips & Guacamole Eating Contest

That's right, you guessed it. Another unsatisfactory day in the ever-intriguing life of David Lee Miller.

Last night, DMills competed in the Pascack Valley Chips & Guacamole Eating Contest sponsored by the Aqua-Teen Hunger Force. The contest was originally scheduled to take place September 2nd, 2008, but DMills had the contest postponed until last night as he explained he needed some time to "straighten" his life out first.

The contest involved who could eat the most guacamole-covered tortilla chips in a ten minute period. Results were made official immediately after the contest, and it was determined by all five officials that DMills conclusively finished in 7th place. Hillsdale Herald reporter and longtime symapthetic DMills supporter Ryann Engel caught up with the trooper minutes after the contest:

Ryann: "So what are your thoughts on your finish?"

DMills: "I mean...(several nauseous burps)...I won't lie, normally 7th place is a respectable finish in most competitions. Think about the NYC Marathon for instance, if I were to finish 7th in that that would be great. But..."

Ryann: "I'm sorry, but did you actually just put yourself and a physical activity in the same sentence?"

DMills: "Never mind that. The point is, today, I'm very disappointed with my performance. Eating, and especially very quickly, is supposed to be the only thing I'm good at."

Ryann: "But you just said yourself that 7th place is normally a respectable finish. Why not tonight?"

DMills: "Because the contest only had EIGHT kids. And they were all teenagers. And the only one I beat is a 14 year old Korean girl who is blind and born with no motor skills named Phingermee Sloah Lee."

When asked for her opinion on her son's finish, DMills' mother Karin Miller was quoted as saying, "At least he didn't finish last, right?"

Breaking News: Interview Transcript - DMills Virginity Lost

A buddy of mine works for CNN so he has some political connections and after pressing the right buttons I got him to lend me a copy of the first ever interview with the girl who took DMills virginity in 2002 under the condition that her name not be released.  Here ya go..

CNN: So.. what was it like?

Girl: Uhh, well, have you ever had angel hair pasta with white wine sauce?

CNN: That's a favorite of mine.

Girl: I can't say the same anymore..

CNN: When was the exact moment that you knew you wanted to be his first.

Girl: To clarify, I'm still not sure if I'm his first.  Again, for all I knew I was sitting on top of a pile of lasagna but ever since elementary school lunch it seemed like we had a connection.  He was always very nice in the cafeteria.  Since he was 11 years old he's had the same hairdoo, reminded me a little of Elvis and he was pretty tall so I thought he could really pack a punch if ya know what I mean.  Anyway there was this one night, Hillsdale Hanukah Festival, when we had a latka eating contest and let me tell you.. few sights get me off like a man shoving latkas down his throat with apple sauce pouring down his shirt.

CNN: So that was the moment.

Girl: Yeah, pretty much.

CNN: So how exactly did it happen?

Girl: It was a saturday night I remember, his older brother was having a party at his house.  After a few games of kings we started fooling around a little bit.  I really wasn't expecting much to happen but within 10 seconds off came his pants and there staring at me was an exact replica of Buddha only if he was 6'3''.  I don't really want to get into more detail but, yeah, you get the picture.

CNN: We sure do.  So do you regret it?

Girl: Honestly... no.  He really is a sweet guy, he's a lot cooler than his brother, and he has a lot of really cool hot friends from Michigan.

CNN: Will you ever eat italian food again.

Girl: Unfortunately, no.