Mills Falls in Love...

..insists new love must wear Bacon Bra during foreplay.

Disappointed Dave Finishes 7th in Local Chips & Guacamole Eating Contest

That's right, you guessed it. Another unsatisfactory day in the ever-intriguing life of David Lee Miller.

Last night, DMills competed in the Pascack Valley Chips & Guacamole Eating Contest sponsored by the Aqua-Teen Hunger Force. The contest was originally scheduled to take place September 2nd, 2008, but DMills had the contest postponed until last night as he explained he needed some time to "straighten" his life out first.

The contest involved who could eat the most guacamole-covered tortilla chips in a ten minute period. Results were made official immediately after the contest, and it was determined by all five officials that DMills conclusively finished in 7th place. Hillsdale Herald reporter and longtime symapthetic DMills supporter Ryann Engel caught up with the trooper minutes after the contest:

Ryann: "So what are your thoughts on your finish?"

DMills: "I mean...(several nauseous burps)...I won't lie, normally 7th place is a respectable finish in most competitions. Think about the NYC Marathon for instance, if I were to finish 7th in that that would be great. But..."

Ryann: "I'm sorry, but did you actually just put yourself and a physical activity in the same sentence?"

DMills: "Never mind that. The point is, today, I'm very disappointed with my performance. Eating, and especially very quickly, is supposed to be the only thing I'm good at."

Ryann: "But you just said yourself that 7th place is normally a respectable finish. Why not tonight?"

DMills: "Because the contest only had EIGHT kids. And they were all teenagers. And the only one I beat is a 14 year old Korean girl who is blind and born with no motor skills named Phingermee Sloah Lee."

When asked for her opinion on her son's finish, DMills' mother Karin Miller was quoted as saying, "At least he didn't finish last, right?"

Breaking News: Interview Transcript - DMills Virginity Lost

A buddy of mine works for CNN so he has some political connections and after pressing the right buttons I got him to lend me a copy of the first ever interview with the girl who took DMills virginity in 2002 under the condition that her name not be released.  Here ya go..

CNN: So.. what was it like?

Girl: Uhh, well, have you ever had angel hair pasta with white wine sauce?

CNN: That's a favorite of mine.

Girl: I can't say the same anymore..

CNN: When was the exact moment that you knew you wanted to be his first.

Girl: To clarify, I'm still not sure if I'm his first.  Again, for all I knew I was sitting on top of a pile of lasagna but ever since elementary school lunch it seemed like we had a connection.  He was always very nice in the cafeteria.  Since he was 11 years old he's had the same hairdoo, reminded me a little of Elvis and he was pretty tall so I thought he could really pack a punch if ya know what I mean.  Anyway there was this one night, Hillsdale Hanukah Festival, when we had a latka eating contest and let me tell you.. few sights get me off like a man shoving latkas down his throat with apple sauce pouring down his shirt.

CNN: So that was the moment.

Girl: Yeah, pretty much.

CNN: So how exactly did it happen?

Girl: It was a saturday night I remember, his older brother was having a party at his house.  After a few games of kings we started fooling around a little bit.  I really wasn't expecting much to happen but within 10 seconds off came his pants and there staring at me was an exact replica of Buddha only if he was 6'3''.  I don't really want to get into more detail but, yeah, you get the picture.

CNN: We sure do.  So do you regret it?

Girl: Honestly... no.  He really is a sweet guy, he's a lot cooler than his brother, and he has a lot of really cool hot friends from Michigan.

CNN: Will you ever eat italian food again.

Girl: Unfortunately, no.

D Mills Flips off Virtual Fans at Rock Band Concert

During a recent concert in his living room, David Miller lost his cool. With J Warsh on lead guitar and the 'other' roommate on the drums Dave was pouring out his soul in his 2-bedroom (converted to 3) bachelor palace. The song was "Gimme Shelter" by the Stones, the level was Medium, and the mood was tense. Dave was seemingly hitting every note, and the virtual audience couldn't get enough. After the performance the other band members congratulated Dave on a job well done, however, Mills noticed that the computer had only awarded him a score of 97%. That is when all hell broke loose. David proceeded to hurl Pizza 33 boxes at the TV while simultaneously cursing out the fake fans and picking the lint out his belly button with his right middle finger. "It was very scary," said Justin, "but we knew it was almost time for dinner so his tantrum would be over soon."

Rumor Mill(s)

David Miller proposes to longtime love, on-again off-again girlfriend, ERosen during romantic weekend getaway. Recently, the newly engaged couple was reportedly seen canoodling at local hotspot Galway Hooker. Onlookers reported that Dmills has never looked happier, and continued to profess his love for his fiance to fellow bargoers throughout the night.

Fat Ass

I keep tellin' this mugg "Dmills" he better watch his sodium or he finna look like this

This is a new America

It really is a beautiful day for all of us out there that needed a forum to bash the one we call Dmills.. here's a rundown of the cabinet so far.. we're looking for a "Minister of Foreign Diseases To Give To Dmills" and an "Ambassador To Spreading Rumors About Dmills Especially Ones Involving Spaghetti Dicks".. so keep your eyes and ears open.. without further ado the leaders of the Free World.. 

President - Josh Kent

Vice President - Dan Joels

Treasurer - Zach Goldman

Secretary - Robbie Gordon